Unraveling

Lately I've been feeling like my life has been unraveling.

Pause. Don't worry, this post isn't a silent cry of depression-- it ends well, I promise!

Resume.

You know the feeling when you have a knitted sweater (or shirt from Forever 21) and you get a snag in the fabric, so you decide to simply pull that little string and hope for a clean break? You know the feeling when instead, you pull the string and it keeps going, going, and going? Well, I feel like the latter in regard to my life right now.

It all started when I decided to give up my medical school seat and stay in LA to reapply. All fine and dandy to have a decision made, no immediate tears and fears of a goodbye, and the peace that I was right where I should be. Yet, pulling that string was not as clean of a break for me as I originally thought. Slowly, slowly I am starting to discover I don't have a firm grasp on my life's direction anymore, like planning for medical school has always afforded me. Don't get me wrong, see, I am still very confident I was to pull that string of letting the Ohio spot go, much in the same way you don't regret leaving that snag on your shirt because it doesn't look right. No, I'm not sitting here thinking I've made a mistake or that I've let my one shot at happiness fly away at the sending of an e-mail. Rather, I'm sitting here wondering if when I pulled that string, the Lord was doing more in me than just snipping off some loose ends.

Maybe instead of fixing something that has already been made, He is unraveling something to be used in making something new. Sure it might seem counterproductive, a waste of time, or tedious, but what is the clay to talk back to the Potter? I've been considering a lot of things lately: things about life, things about love, things about age and time. And what have I come to? ALL of those things are precious and meant to be cherished. And the best way to preserve and protect something? Commit it to the kingdom that will neither rust nor fade. It's been difficult not to look at my life these past few weeks and worry about whether or not it will amount to anything in the eyes of the world. Will I make enough money to be considered successful? Will I tap into all my talents and reach my greatest potential? Will I correctly choose the right opportunities so I never look back and feel the pangs of regret? When I let these questions worry my heart, I let myself get tangled with what is unraveling. I rush ahead and get stuck in the mess of yarn that hasn't been fully undone and prepared for the next thing yet.

Why do I do this? Because I haven't seen the plans for the next project. I don't believe that there is something better to come, or that it will turn out greater than what I thought the plans were. I don't believe that the Great Tailor of my life knows what He's doing, what size I am, what colors I like, or what fabric to choose.

So what am I left with? Luckily, I have previous samples of His work in my life to reference and draw confidence from. When I stop trying to maneuver my way and account for all the threads that are unraveling, they immediately lessen their grip around my neck. When I slowly shift my focus from how little of that old sweater remains to how much of a wardrobe He has already made for me, the threads fall by my feet and I am free to try on and remember the countless times He has turned my mourning into gladness, my ashes into beauty, and my fears into faith.

When I allow my heart to be captivated by the Maker of All Things New, I find myself in its truest and purest state: that of praise and worship. That is where I am most successful, at my highest potential and feel not even the slightest twinge of shame. I know that the Lord is doing something with this unexpected season of my life, and I know that a day will come when I see the fruit of being disciplined and faithful to Him through the thick of it. Though I still have a hunger for medicine, I have a ravenous appetite for the Lord and He promises not to disappoint. Perhaps this is a season to learn even more about the dreams, passions, talents and desires that I have. Perhaps medicine was only an appetizer, prepping my palate for a main course that will satisfy even more when the Lord serves it rather than simply making something quick for myself.

All I know is that I'm trying to get lost in the pages of the Lord's catalog- gazing, remembering, delighting in all the past creations He has made for me. He has done His best work when I've given Him free reign of the materials in my life, for only then is He free (not that I keep Him bound) to work uninterrupted by my grubby little hands (or long, freakishly cold fingers...) unraveling, weaving, stitching things together in a way that fits me so perfectly, I won't even remember what I was wearing before.

He has made everything beautiful in its time. Also, he has put eternity into man’s heart, yet so that he cannot find out what God has done from the beginning to the end. I perceived that there is nothing better for them than to be joyful and to do good as long as they live; also that everyone should eat and drink and take pleasure in all his toil—this is God’s gift to man.
[Ecc. 3:11-12]